"The Peenbeets' OFFICIAL Friend Club/Online Advice Column"

Being former teen-agers themselves, the Peenbeets understand and sympathize with the plight of today's youth. That's why the band has agreed to play "PEEN PAL" to you and all your deranged peers. If you have a conundrum that stumps your friends, parents, teachers and clergy, send it to PEEN PALS! A band member - or some otherwell-starched General Structures lackey - will analyze the situation and try to give you some good advice. Of course we can't be held responsible if our advice backfires miserably. That's your parents' job.

Light Around the Loafers!

Dear Peen Pals:

I'm in a quandry right now and I hope you can help me. My pastor recently asked me to travel with him to North Dakota for three weeks to mentor disadvantaged youth in our church's "Shoot for the Stars" program. Trouble is, I've never packed for a three-week trip before. Do the Peenbeets have any tips for "packing impaired" 15-year-old girls like me?

Sincerely,

Suitcase Sarah
Wichita, KS

Dear Suitcase Sarah:

Planning a long trip where you have to handle your luggage? Weeks before, pack what you think you will need and spend an hour walking around the shopping mall with your luggage. Then go home and repack. Surprising how much stuff you packed at first really isn't needed - especially when you have to lug it all around! Good luck!

Why Wait?

Dear Peen Pals:

Last night, my boyfriend Tommy Stieben asked me to have sex. I think I love Tommy a lot, but I'm a virgin and my guidance counselor Mrs. Arnett says the state says I should be abstinent until I get married. I don't think Tommy's going to wait that long. What should I do?

A Girl in Trouble
Urbana, IL

Dear Girl in Trouble:

Sexual relations outside of marriage can only lead to trouble for you and higher taxes for us. Your body is a glorious temple that should only be entered by that special person with whom you share the sacred covenant of matrimony. The only real solution, then, is to propose to Tommy right away.Your parents and friends may think you¹re weird or even stupid for marrying so young, but this is the only way to get the sex your body needs (not to mention poor Tommy!) and still be right with God and government. Besides, you can always get divorced. Good luck and happy honeymoon!

Send your problems to peenbeets@yahoo.com and see them printed here! How neat!